http://jenniferwilley.webs.com/myjournal.htm Freewebs http://jenniferwilley.webs.com/myjournal.htm?blogentryid=4438706 3 years, 7 months, 18 days.  Or let's get more technical:

• 114,739,200 seconds
• 1,912,320 minutes
• 31,872 hours
• 189 weeks

Can anyone guess what these numbers are?  This has been the time since the day I was officially diagnosed with cancer. May 26, 2005.  The day that changed my life forever. As each year passed, I remained so strong and kept fighting with all I had.  The one person you turn to, your partner, the one in which you confide in and said those vows, "in sickness and in health, till death do us part" not only left me but did uncountable inhumane acts against me and my family. If I were to share only a couple of them, you would not believe it were the truth.  Yet, I still smiled, I still went to radiation therapy, chemotherapy, had another stem cell transplant, clinical trials, hospital stay after hospital stay. All while going through a divorce because my-so-called "husband" didn't have "enough energy for a divorce."  That was what he said every time I so blindly asked why can't this work? After the counseling, the tears, putting my illness second to my marriage. Oh was I wrong. [OK, this isn't what I intended to write about tonight, but it's what has come out, so I guess I'll keep going.] Yes, I hid this whole chunk of my life from the world wide web. A divorce by itself is a difficult life-altering event, minus having cancer, minus being married for only 7 months, losing a job, moving back in with my parents.  To say I've had a rough time isn't even close to the truth.  I have been through hell. I know everyone has their cross to bear but I just can't bring to reason why I have had all of this shit happen to me. Pardon my French but that's the only word I found suitable. As my illness has become worse and worse and the energy has faded, my smile still persists.  Am I happy? No. Am I scared? Yes. Am I mad? Yes. Do I wish any of this on anyone else? No. I am not like that. I do believe though that what goes around comes back around.  Those that have done wrong and get off having a pretty decent life here will suffer in the next. Believe me, I have thousands and thousands of angels looking over me.  I can't say that for the other.  There is a time in one's life usually in their 80's or 90's when they have lived their life and enjoyed it but are tired or ill and are ready to move on.  I am not ready for that nor do I want that at the age of 29.  But try to put yourself in my shoes for a minute (which I know many of you have) and think about how you would feel right now. Every single second you are struggling  for air. To get up and go five feet to the restroom you are coughing because you're gasping for air.  That's your life day in and day out. No partner, no pet, no children, no job, no car, no license, no health.  Would you be happy?  Would you be mad?  What would you do?  Wow! That felt really good to get out in words, even though they weren't spoken.  Some of you may find this entry offensive.  I hope not.  It is the truth and it is my deep feelings that I am sharing with everyone that takes the time to read it.  It is part of life, unfortunately these things happen to a lot of people.  I'm just keeping it real.  Cancer sucks and the treatments suck and the side effects suck and GVHD REALLY sucks.

So, I've never done this before but I'm going to ask all of you that question.  What would you do if you were in my shoes given everything that has happened? You can post a comment to this blog.

I have a few friends that need some prayers, Sammi, Matt, Zach, Wendy, Keith and I know there are others. Also, please keep me and my family in your prayers.

Thanks for listening to me and letting me vent. Oh and by the way, I'm happy for my life that my parents gave me and I am happy to have such beautiful friends and family.  I'm just not happy with the situation that I am in.  I don't want to sound like a big downer.

Love & Prayers & good health for the new year
Jennifer
]]> http://jenniferwilley.webs.com/myjournal.htm?blogentryid=4438706#topBox http://jenniferwilley.webs.com/myjournal.htm?blogentryid=4438706 Mon, 12 Jan 2009 21:32:00 -0100