It’s a little bigger than usual start to my day (in Weight Watchers terms it’s about 3.5-4 points). Usually I have a half an English muffin (Thomas’ Multi-Grain Light) with a teaspoon of organic fruit spread about an hour before I work out. On early workout days, I follow up my workout with either a spinach egg-white omelet or a yogurt with ground flax seeds. Today, because I’m working out later, I’ll have a late lunch, probably a big salad with shredded greens, tomatoes, carrots and these oh-so-wonderful little extras that make me so happy: 1 oz. Cabot 75% less fat cheese and my favorite crunchy in the whole world – Trader Joe’s corn tortilla crackers.

I’m a salad dressing freak, too. I love Trader Joe’s Light Ranch Parmesan and Light Creamy Basil. Both are low in fat and sodium (Hidden Valley Ranch light has 7 grams of fat and almost 300 mgs of sodium per serving so I gave that up quite a while ago). I like to make my own dressings, too. The one I’m using a lot these days is:

1 t. olive oil

1-2 T. balsamic vinegar (I’ve also used tarragon, rice and raspberry vinegar, too)

1 t. stone ground mustard (you can use regular or Dijon, too. I might get daring one of these days and use horseradish mustard)

1-2 (or more, depending on if I have to go out in public or not) minced garlic cloves

¼ t black pepper

½ t dried basil

Whisk it all together and dump on salad.

I drink a lot of tea, too. I know green tea is a good source of antioxidants, but I find it a little bland, so to pep it up, I team it up with a flavored tea bag, like raspberry or blueberry or chamomile. I stick a tea bag of each in a big mug, fill it with water, add a stevia packet and tada! Green tea with good flavor.

When I think back on the food I ate before I started losing weight (and even during the early days of weight loss because I was slow to change some food choices), it was nothing for me to consume a couple of eggs, bacon, two pieces of toast with butter or a bagel with cream cheese a few times a week. No wonder my cholesterol was almost 300! On days I’d eat cereal, ONE of MY servings of cereal equaled close to three of the recommended serving sizes on the nutritional info on the cereal box.

That brings me to my next random thought: food scales. I finally got a digital food scale the other day. For three years I’ve been using the manual kind that kinda sorta gives you a somewhat accurate weight. With so many of the recipes I’m using now calling for items weighed in grams instead of ounces, I had to get a digital scale that could weigh both ways. I love the accuracy. Like a good bathroom scale, a good food scale is worth the investment. I wish I’d bought one years ago.

I’d like to know how your food choices have changed since you started losing weight. Leave a comment and let everyone else know, too! I’m always looking for new twists on old favorites.

******

P.S. I’ve updated my 2008 page with a few new photos, if you’re interested in sneaking a peek.  

When I was 16, I weighed 150 pounds. That was about 20 pounds more than would be considered normal for my age and height, but at a size 12/14, I was hardly ginormous. Yet that’s what I thought I was. Self-conscious, I avoided walking past certain boys in school because I was afraid they’d “moo” at me or call me fat. They did that to a lot of girls who I felt were my size.

My negative body image caused me to make a lot of poor choices when it came to sex and relationships. Although I had some nice boyfriends in high school, the kind who really did like me for who I was, I always felt there was a “catch,” that somehow they were lacking because they liked me.

When I was nearly 300 pounds, this cartoon’s sentiment was most certainly true for me. I always dreamed of “that day” when I’d be 150 again. All my problems would disappear, I’d have self-esteem to spare, and life would be the way I always knew it could be, all because I weighed 150 pounds again.

I’m now 128, marking one year of maintenance, and what do you know? Problems still arise and I often lack self-esteem, although I admit not to the extreme of nearly 170 pounds ago. My weight, while definitely an important factor in my overall wellbeing, cannot define my life. I am (and so are you) more than weight, and yet I still base a good deal of self-worth on the number on the scale, the size on a tag, and the width of my hips.

How to undo that? Talking with friends who understand weight loss and maintenance, journaling, meditating, and reminding myself daily that I’m OK just as I am right in this moment are a few of the things I do to stay balanced.

My question to you is this: What do you think your life will be like when you get to goal, or even when you lose 5, 10 or 20 pounds? How do you stay balanced? And has your definition of “normal” weight changed since you were younger?

I also bought two pairs of cotton shorts that come to just above my knees and two new workout shirts, neither of which are white or black – a new thing for me. I’m a black and white gal. That way I always know my shirts and shorts/pants will match. I figure there’s no need to spend copious amounts of time figuring out what to wear to the gym. But when my friend Kristin bought me a cute pink t-shirt for Christmas (with the letters G.I.L.F. on it – I’ll let you guys figure out what that means. Oh, and I don’t wear it to the gym. I only wear it when I work out at home, for obvious reasons), I found I really liked wearing pink instead of black or white. Silly as it might sound, pink enhances my workout. So today I bought a blue tank and a very cool grey t-shirt – one of those high-tech-absorbs-moisture kind of shirts. I think I’m going to like them.

I also went to WalMart to buy stuff for grandbaby Claire, but I also needed new workout bras because I’ve been using my old 36Cs from the days when I weighed 30 pounds more than I do now. Well……the name of the bras I bought were called “Sweet Nothings.” And that’s apparently what I have: I bought a 34B and a 34 *gulp* A. And they fit. And Lynn is a little sad L

But the irony was not lost.

I always feel like I have to have a point when I blog, like I’m supposed to impart some nugget of wisdom or insight to readers, but today I just wanted to tell you how fun it was to upgrade my workout wardrobe.

Oh, wait, there is a nugget of wisdom here: ALWAYS treat your feet well. Don’t wait until your shoes are slipping and you have holes from wear. Buy new ones! Take it from someone who wears orthotics because she has arthritis in all her metatarsals and DIDN’T heed her own advice until today. Your feet are the work horses of your body. Give them a break and buy good shoes. Often.

Now it’s time to download some new tunes on the old iPod. Your suggestions are always welcome.

Excellent question and one that’s difficult to answer. Here’s how one writer asked the question:

“Just ‘how’ do you start? I'm usually the take-charge, over-achiever, I-can-do-it-all kind of person, yet when it comes to my weight, I am frozen from action. I am not stupid. I know to exercise, which of course I don't - I am too tired. I know it's about portions and healthy eating choices, yet do I implement these?  NO. And why not? Seems to be the big question for me. Where do I begin? Yeah, I know, just do it, but for some reason, I cannot.”

I have no idea if this is true for this particular reader, but what often keeps me from doing what’s best for me is that I put myself last. I’m all for organizing something for the benefit of others, particularly my family. I will work my ass off if it means my friends, family or an organization I believe in will benefit. Also, if there’s some kind of “outside myself” reward (such as a paycheck) I tend to work harder at succeeding. I don’t always value me so therefore I don’t always do things that honor me.

If you put everyone and everything else before you, you WILL be too tired to exercise or plan meals or even journal to figure out WHY you put everyone else before you. I truly believe that valuing yourself and making yourself a priority in your life is key to losing weight or succeeding at any other endeavor that is purely for your benefit.

And if that philosophy’s not working for you, try this idea: now that I’ve lost a lot of weight, I am more productive and can give more time and energy to the people in my life. Because I loved myself enough to take care of myself, I am a better mother, wife, grandmother, friend and all-around organizer. In the long run, being selfish and doing something JUST for the sake of being a healthier you, you will be loving the people around you even more, too.  

In that vein, I really like this reader’s insight:

“I haven't quite figured out the ‘how’ yet---I've been on every diet known to woman and man. But I guess I've come to feel that there are probably many ‘hows’--the real issue is the ‘when.’

I think part of the dilemma of those who are overweight is the tendency to find solace in a future day that is just out of reach: ‘When I lose weight...’ ‘When I take charge....’ ‘When I decide...’ It leads to so much squandered time.”

I was the queen of thinking ahead, dreaming of the days when I’d be thin enough to not have to use a seatbelt extender on an airplane or when I would shave my legs with a real razor and not an electric one. I loved my fantasies of the day when I’d tuck in my shirts without a roll of fat hanging over the back of my jeans or of that morning when I’d look down at myself in the shower and see “it” without having to move my stomach around. “Some day…” I always told myself.

That “some day” finally arrived. I don’t know exactly how or why, but it did. The best I can tell you is that I got real with myself and just jumped in. Journal, journal, journal, folks. Eventually you’ll figure out what’s holding you back, as long as you are honest with yourself and treat yourself with respect.

********

I got an email the other day from a fellow weight-loss blogger who has a fabulous site and I wanted to give her a shout out here on my site. I’ve added her site to my list of favorites. Her name is Roni and she’s lost 70 pounds. She’s insightful, funny, and I really like her blog. http://www.weightwatchen.com/. Roni’s not feeling real well right now – she has a very nasty stomach virus – so I’m sending her my best get well vibes. She’s a trooper, though. Despite her illness, her writing is still top notch.

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As many of you know, I’m a huge Jon Kabat-Zinn fan. His book, “Wherever You Go, There You Are,” introduced me to meditation and for that I am forever grateful. On one of his guided meditation CDs, he reads a lovely poem by Derek Walcott. His words will give you insight on what will happen on that day you become your own best friend.   

Derek Walcott – Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

This ties into what I’ve been saying about weight loss and maintenance being a mental thing more than a physical thing. The more we’re in tune with our inner voice and motivation, the better prepared we are when the cloudy days come around. Keeping separate food and emotional journals help me recognize when I’m feeling a certain way and wanting to respond to that feeling in an old manner, like eating pizza with abandon or stuffing down a handful of animal crackers.

I thought I’d address a few more of your questions, particularly as they pertain to the mind-food connection.

1.     I'd like your opinion on how you dealt with the problem of maintaining focus on weight loss while not having it become the central aspect of your life.

I firmly believe that once you make a commitment to losing weight and maintaining it, you adopt a lifestyle you will live with the rest of your life. So weight loss and now maintenance ARE the central aspects of my life, along with my family, my career, and all the other important things I live for. I love myself and so I treat my body with respect, just as I love my husband and kids and treat them with respect, too. It’s second nature, so it’s not like I think about my weight 24/7. I’ve incorporated it into my daily life. It doesn’t mean I don’t get upset with or disappointed in my body, just as I get upset with or disappointed with my family and career. The key to dealing with these emotions is in my behavior.

2.     My question is, did you start eating clean right away or was it a slow process? 

I love this question because it really took me back three years to when I first started Weight Watchers. I remember I adapted several of my favorite recipes to be more “points” friendly. I ate mostly the foods I’d eaten before, but I learned portion control. I dusted off my measuring spoons and cups and food scale to make sure I didn’t over- or under-do the portion. As I learned more about nutrition and started losing points (meaning I was eating less food every day), I wanted more “bang” for my calorie/point “buck” and began eating more vegetables and whole grains. Slowly I eliminated processed foods (no frozen dinners, 100-calorie packs, things like that) and incorporated some soy into my diet (soy milk, soy burgers, a little soy cheese). I stopped drinking milk because I hate milk and I was tired of forcing myself to eat something I hated. I get calcium through vegetables, yogurt and other more reliable sources than dairy milk.

So yes, it was and still is a process. I’m still adopting a completely vegetarian diet. I had ahi tuna the other night, but otherwise I stick to the “superfoods” (sans the meat). I eat a big salad once a day and load it up with greens, carrots, tomatoes, cheese and something crunchy like crackers or a few nuts (I still love crackers; I just make sure they’re whole grain now and not Cheez-Its J). I limit myself to two fruits a day and one (occasionally two) servings of complex carbs like potatoes, rice, pasta, that sort of thing.

My new favorite salad dressing recipe: 1 tsp. olive oil, 1 tsp. spicy brown mustard or Dijon mustard, 1-2 T balsamic vinegar, ¼ t black pepper, ½-1 tsp dried basil (or 1 T minced fresh basil), and 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced. Mix this up and throw it on your salad. Very yummy. I also switch up the vinegars once in awhile: raspberry, rice, tarragon, whatever is handy.

3.     How were you able to stay motivated from day 1 of your weight loss journey? How do you continue to motivate yourself?

Another interesting question that got me thinking. I was motivated from day one because I wanted to be thin. Bottom line. But “thin” to me was getting back to 165 or so. I never dreamed I’d get to the 120s. I stayed motivated based solely on that premise: to be “thin” again. Of course that meant I did a lot of journaling and reminding myself some days that I really truly wanted to be thin again. Sometimes I’d eat too much and proceed to emotionally beat myself up. Yup, I did that. Still do sometimes. But I always went back to my journals and photos of me at 165 or so and remembered, “Ah, THAT’S what I want again.”

I stay motivated now by enjoying how I feel at this weight. I need to confess, though, that losing weight was easier than maintaining, at least emotionally. I’m still working through the “nerves,” such as “Oh no! What if I gain a pound or two! What will I do?? Horror of horrors!” I rolled my eyes when I typed that - LOL. As you can see, I clearly have issues to work through. Maintenance is, after all, a journey and not “the end.”

Bottom line, you need to find one or two things that personally motivate you. Don’t lose weight for an event or for someone else or because your doctor says you have to. Find what it is inside YOU that wants to lose weight and let THAT be your motivator.

4.     I've been eating healthy for 5 years and have maintained 100lb weight loss but lately I've been making some pretty bad choices!

This question is a good example of what can happen (and I fully expect it to happen to me in time) when we stop looking at the emotional reasons we eat. This writer clearly knows how to lose and maintain. If this were me, I’d dig out my old journals or start a new one and figure out what was causing me to behave in an unhealthy manner after all these years. I wish you, dear reader, all the best as you figure this one out. You KNOW how to do it!

Thanks again for your emails and comments. If you haven’t read the comments in previous blogs, I encourage you to do so. There are some smart people out there with excellent insight and ideas!

I hope the sun is shining where you are and if not, chin up. The clouds can’t stay around forever.

I want to share a piece of a weight-related story written by my friend Marylyn (or “YLY” as she’s fondly known on the WW 100+ boards). Marylyn is a member of Overeaters Anonymous and on her website she wrote an honest and detailed account of her relationship with food. Here’s an excerpt:

“I would hit two or three fast-food restaurants a night. I would order multiple meals and multiple drinks to act like all the food wasn’t just for me. I would order pizza and act like there were more people in my house than just me so that the pizza guy wouldn’t know that all the food was for me. I would cook and eat an entire pound of pasta for dinner. Just pasta, butter, and cheese was one of my favorite meals. My serving sizes were getting bigger and bigger. And all the while, I was berating myself for my lack of self control.

“I changed jobs and moved to Philadelphia. I was doing medical research and having a hard time fitting into XL scrubs when I had to observe surgeries. I would pray that XXL were available.

“Things got a little better in Philadelphia, because I felt like I had a fresh start. I found a good doctor who told me to go to WW. I tried Atkins first, because my boss had a lot of success with it, as well as a guy I dated in Columbus before I moved. It was okay for a few weeks. Then I just stopped because I ate some carbs and thought ‘oh well.’”

Marylyn and others with similar food issues have helped me begin to understand the complex nature of emotional eating. I say “begin” because the subject itself is too dense to fully comprehend in just a few days or weeks or even years, I’m sure. Marylyn’s story has helped me reflect more thoroughly on my own relationship with food, both past and present. Thank you, YLY, for your raw honesty. It’s a brave thing to write about something so personal and a gift to share it with the public.

To read Marylyn’s complete story, click this link: My OA Story. While you’re there, spend some time reading her site. It’s a good one.

Another New “Diet” Book on the Market

“Organizational consultant” and frequent Oprah guest Peter Walsh (who also has his own radio show on Oprah and Friends XM Radio) has written a book called “Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat?” I checked out the review on Amazon.com (click the link to read it), but I thought I’d see if any of you have read it or have experienced in your own life the concept that clutter in your house means clutter in your body. While my Jeep can be a total sty sometimes, my house is almost always clutter-free. I can’t think when there’s clutter around. I’ve been known to clean the house before I write because if I’m deadline, nothing irks me more than things out of place. I even straighten pictures on the wall that are askew I’m THAT anal retentive.

Anyway, as I said earlier, there are as many weight-related stories as there are people with weight-related issues and I thought this whole idea of clutter making us fat was something to throw out there and see if any of you concur or disagree.

One Last Thing

A quick tip for you from Dr. Dean Ornish. He was on Dr. Oz’s radio show the other morning and he said that every day he eats a piece of dark chocolate, only he closes his eyes when he does it, focusing totally on the chocolate, eating it mindfully. I eat a piece of chocolate every day, too, and I tried eating it with my eyes closed and WOW! It really does increase the experience of the chocolate. Give it a try!

“I don't understand what kind of emotional work I need to do. Or maybe I don't want to understand. My question is this: did you figure out what kept you at near 300 pounds? How did you untangle the knotty mess of life? Am I right to think that this ethereal (seems to me) emotional work is a key to self-love? ("a" key...not necessarily "the only" key). I'd appreciate your thoughts.”

“What helped you make the transition onto the plan and how did you deal with this issue: the "failure" factor, that for me, at least, makes me feel so deprived during the week, and literally, pushes me away from my plan?”

I was looking over my journal (the handwritten one, not the blog) from mid 2005 and I was struck by the language I used to describe myself, even though I’d been on Weight Watchers for six months and had lost about 50 pounds:

“I’ve been more impatient with my weight loss again. I looked at myself in the mirror at my mom’s house when I was standing next to (my then 13-year-old stepson) Andy and I’m a behemoth! My face is so fat, I’m so broad everywhere, yet I feel so much thinner than I did 6 months ago. I can’t see it at all in the mirror, but I feel it in my gut, literally. What is the truth?”

I remember that day well and all the feelings that went with seeing my body in stark contrast to my tall, lean stepson. It’s not like I hadn’t stood next to him before, but I was finally looking, really looking at myself. You’ve heard me say that one of my “Aha” moments (and there were many) was seeing a photo of myself with my daughter at her birthday in December 2004. It was just my face and her face, but it wasn’t the face of myself that I pictured in my head. For years I’d pushed that face away and convinced myself that my weight wasn’t “that bad.” I convinced myself that everyone had a hard time climbing stairs, walking a few blocks, tying their shoes, sitting in theater seats, shaving their legs. There was nothing “wrong” with me.

I know I’m walking a thin line here by inferring that some weight or body shape is “wrong,” but let me explain. In 2004, I couldn’t breathe well after any physical exertion, my knees were literally crumbling on the inside, and my blood pressure was sky high, as were my triglycerides. My back hurt so bad I’d get sick to my stomach after walking two blocks. I bought an electric razor because I couldn’t shave my legs with a blade. I literally couldn’t reach the bottom of my legs without “scooching” forward, something you do not want to do with a sharp object near your skin. This is not normal. There was something wrong and that was my weight.  

What kept me at 300 pounds was the lie, the denial that anything was wrong. It was only when I allowed myself to see my real body and to feel the pain and discomfort that I could “untangle the knotty mess.”

We all need an honest inner dialogue. When I finally asked myself, “Is this the way I want to feel the rest of my life?”, then I could begin the emotional work it took to decide if I wanted to lose weight or not  (see my blog below, “Writer shares journey to her 168-pound weight loss.”)

Once I decided to lose weight and I committed to a plan, I wasn’t afraid of failure (although I hated setbacks and gains – I wasn’t a saint!). I never felt deprived because my body was getting plenty of food. If I felt “deprived” of food, that was an emotional and not a physical feeling. I learned to separate the emotional from the physical and to deal, in the moment, with the emotional issue, or to at least know enough to say no to the food because I wasn’t hungry.

Once you get in touch with your inner self and can understand the clues your body sends you – the physical and the emotional ones – then failure isn’t as big an issue.

As for the words I used to describe myself in that journal entry, I shared that because I want you to know that while I was finally seeing myself physically, I was not comfortable with what I saw. I envy people who love their bodies as they are at every pound. I wish I could say I did. But for me, loving my body is what this physical and emotional transformation has been about these last three years. It’s not something I just “accepted” and “got” right off the bat. It took a long time. Oh hell, it’s still a process. I still use mean words sometimes to describe myself. But at least now I recognize what I’m doing and can nip it in the bud when it happens.

Another reader wrote, “I've had this weight for so long - I don't think I know who I am without it.”  I think that underscores what I was saying earlier about that “Aha” moment, that time when you decide to be honest with yourself about how you feel about your body. For me it was exciting to see the changes to my body as I went down the scale, but obviously, as you read in my journal entry, I also wrestled with the truth. Who was I without my weight?

I’m still working through that answer.