Yesterday, a woman wrote into a radio station seeking help because she had been in a relationship where she became an enabler and victim to a man who was a crack addict, and for 20 years he abused her and the kids. I then heard the radio personalities tear into her about how "stupid" she was and pointing out all the things she ALREADY knew and felt PRIOR to writing in. She wrote in for HELP and got ripped into. Then I heard it... you've got to save yourself here!.... and I'm thinking.... WHAT?????????????????????????

So then I'm annoyed because, who the hell are they to say this? I instantly remembered the story of the man on the roof and what I learned from that. Let me change that story for one moment. Let us put this woman on the roof top in the story of the flood, only this time, when she is waiting for help from God... the rescuers think she is nuts and keep moving... which may have been what the rescuers in the first story passing by thought anyway... yet this woman had enough courage to write into the radio station for help, airing her dirty laundry to the whole nation. IF the radio station would have considered itself the true rescuers passing to help her... (and remember, there was plenty of time to plan help for her considering the letter was chosen and responded to prior to being aired on national syndicated radio) then what stopped them from actually helping? They presented the whole "JUMP!!!! OR YOU'LL DROWN" thing yes... but who of them got into the water to swim to the roof to save her? Who of them asked her if she could swim? Who of them that said she was crazy stopped and said... 'hey... wait... something is not right here... maybe we should let her know WE are sent from GOD to help her (if we are sticking to the whole story with the flood)' OR maybe, 'we realize she is unable to help herself simply by the things she says' and then decide to go in after her rather than blame her or laugh at her.

How easy it is for us as a people to stand in judgment of the person in crisis, blaming them for not finding the strength to get out of a situation. You can shout up to a man in a burning building five stories up... JUMP!!!!!! Having no idea that his lungs are filled with smoke which have made him delusional and he can barely hear every other word you speak. When he burns up we say ... 'he should have jumped... we told him to jump... we had a cushion down here for him.' Yet who called the fire and rescue, got the neighbors ladder, went into the building to assess his possibilities of escape, since he may not be in his right mind. It is so easy to judge and blame the victim of any situation. We are slow to judge if we did or are doing our best for the person requesting our help.

Yelling "GET OUT" to a victim is hardly what saves them. Why could that station not have said all they wanted and then say... 'but hey... you know what... even though we think you're crazy for staying with this man for 20 years, we've called the local AL-ANON and they are prepared to accept you into their program and further more, for the next one month, we have set it up for someone to pick you up and take you there. Not to mention, the local women in abuse shelter said they would be willing to help you, so stay on the line and let us see what we can do to turn things around for you.' How HARD would that have been?

I can prove in one thought how easy it would have been... let that man on the roof top or that woman writing in have been their child, young or grown, they wouldn't have thought twice about JUMPING in to rescue them rather than shouting JUMP! Even more... what if it was YOUR child? What would prevented you? FEAR... fear of loosing or spending something within ourselves that we did not plan to or feel the need to. Giving is hard for those who stand in judgment but when we step out of judgment and commit to the fullness of compassion through to the end, we always feel better about ourselves... like we gained more than the sacrifice. Yet... fear of getting involved... fear of needing to commit to helping someone... fear of discovering something about ourselves that we did not want to face or discovering that person may need us to extend ourselves past the crisis... fear of taking the time... and fear of having our help rejected... all this prevents us and so the easiest thing to do is fault them for not saving them selves. Telling someone to save themselves requires little of us and thus we feel no need to commit to involvement, seeing it through.

So through this situation, that radio station sent this kind message to victims across the nation ... If you can't trust that asking for help will get you any help, especially while mentally, physically and or emotionally you are too disabled by your circumstances to free yourself, then perhaps you'll be better off staying put, considering the world will just beat you up and send you back to your pit of destruction, if you dare ask for help. Who wants to be bothered?

I don't know... maybe I am just responding in my own frustration right now, but one thing I know, is we are all accountable for our rights and our wrongs. People don't have to suit our standard of living or belief system to be granted GRACE, mercy or our best efforts in sincere help. That is what I have learned and I hope others can gain from it.

Love and light to you all...

 

A questions dawned on me yesterday.  I asked myself... "If your left hand was male and your right hand was female, and you, being female, favored your right hand, would you tie up your left hand in order to remain productive in this world simply because your left hand was male?" 

 

Today, we women have created a "man made" women's issue that goes beyond what we intended when the battle for equal rights under the law began.  Our men are angry and bitter, full of resentment and alienation simply because we have tied their hand behind our backs!  Men and women alike who seek to suppress and degrade the opposite sex, please consider what you are doing. 

 

I speak to my women because I am of your kind, but we are all huMan.  Untie your sexist ways and mentalities before you cripple our kind for generations to come!   Men have a valuable place in our society and in our families AND in our beds!  Stop humiliating them in TV/Radio commercials, talk shows, screen works and in conversations with your friends!  Support the strengths of our GOOD men, hold them accountable for their weaknesses and offer help when they are in need! 

 

Every GOOD woman who gives birth to a boy desires to raise a strong man, but due to our extremest ways, we have nurtured a society which has lost it's balance.  If we continue on this course and are not careful in how we treat the men around us, our boys will grow up in a world of men who consistently curse and abuse women for the hatred they have shown toward them.  This battle of the sexes has gone on too long and is now endangering the welfare of our children's generation.  It simply must come to an end! 

 

Help our men see that we are not what Bitc*** are made of, we are not what Ho** are made of, we are what Love is made of JUST LIKE THEY ARE!  It takes TWO hands to kneed bread ladies... untie the other hand, let our men do their parts and our bread, our creative energy, our achievements, our children, our communities, our world will yield prosperity for huManity!  "Two hands in is a win win!"  Don't fool yourselves, men's issues are woman's issue, let's stop taking our men for granted... strive for balance of the sexes!   Highlight a man for his strengths and underscore his weaknesses!  You can make a difference with just this ONE women's issue!  Love and light, never give up the fight!

 

 

This e-mail blast has been brought to you by:

Author of The Mosaic: Shattered Pieces and Public Speaker on Traumatic Abuse Prevention and Recovery Motivation, Ms. Rachel Milano

 

In all you do, be well... and do not keep silent,

Ms. Rachel Milano

 

 

Are you, or do you know of someone who is a house mate being consistantly verbally or physically abused?  Are you or they considering moving out of the home?  Then this message is for them or for you.

 

Why should YOU move out of YOUR house?  Remember, you are the victim in this circumstance, the one being threatened... go to a judge, file an order of protection from abuse, state your reasons why you feel threatened, and let the judge order him or her out.  There is no reason why you should be emotionally muscled out of your own home.  If you share a space with someone who is threatening you, then you are not safe, not at all.  He or she is volatile to say the least and escalating aggressions could lead to far worse circumstances for you.  If he/she has touched you inappropriately/aggressively, things will only escalate and you will be far more injured having to face recovery issues you never thought you would have to endure. 

 

You would be wise to keep your distance... the best way to put a stop to an abusive situation is distance.  There is no convincing this person that you are doing anything right.  If you have expressed your concern, then the information has been delivered... he/she is aware of your feelings of violation, don't stick around in hopes to see improvement when he/she clearly won't show respect for your concerns.  Remember, he/she has already sh** on you, so it is too difficult in ones state of rage to see you as other than their personal receptacle.  The line of friend to victim has already been crossed and you have already enabled this person to do so, that being said, at this point... in this person's mind... you are free target.  You will not be able to change his/her views on this because most victim-abusers feel they have the upper hand, thus as the victim you are stupid and know nothing and they are the powerful ones who dominate and control YOU... in other words, you don't tell them sh**... THEY TELL YOU.  This is their created reality... but it is NOT reality!   

 

Has he/she ever called you out of your name?  Using tags for you such as: Bit**, Ho*, MTFu****, SOB, etc."  Using these dog tag names means that the value he/she had on your relationship is now meaningless.  Your name personalizes your identity in ones mind, keeps you a person rather than an object of his aggression.  (The element of human dignity lies within ones name)  Now that you are "bit**" or "SOB" rather than your given name, he/she could do anything to you... anything! 

 

Here is an additional concern... do you have a pet?  Victim-abusers have commonly been known to be cruel to animals and if he/she is already doing things in your home to instigate you, and you are non-responsive, he/she will search for things which you hold dearest in order to force you into being responsive.  Quite frankly, your pet is just as vulnerable to your circumstances as you are. 

 

You MUST be free to live, you are not meant to be a prisoner of your own home, neither is your pet.  If you live in a situation similar to this, you are emotionally hostage to this person.  I know that finding a new place... or a temporary place until he/she leaves might be difficult, but if you can remove yourself and your pet from the environment immediately it would be in both your best interests.  DO NOT LET HIM/HER make you feel ashamed of what HE/SHE is doing to you.  Telling others that you are not safe is GOOD!  GET HELP, you may not have to do this alone and there may be a way to get help for your pet as well. In the end, you will do what you can do, what you deem is best for you. I wish you the best!  Love and light and never give up the fight...

 

This e-mail blast has been brought to you by:

Author of The Mosaic: Shattered Pieces and Public Speaker on Traumatic Abuse Prevention and Recovery Motivation, Ms. Rachel Milano

 

In all you do, be well... and do not keep silent,

Ms. Rachel Milano

 

I just wanted to drop a brief message pertaining to unconditional love v/s unconditional acceptance. It will be short as I believe if one thinks on the title long enough, the message is clear. 

 

Many times those who are verbally or physically abusive say, "You're supposed to love me unconditionally"  Or "I thought you loved me unconditionally" as a means of guilting you into allowing them back into your good graces.  You should love unconditionally, that does not mean you have to accept everything they say or do, behaviors, activities, etc.  While we love one another unconditionally, part of the responsibility that comes with that love is the ability to hold those we love accountable for their actions, especially when those actions result in the kind of pain which hinders one from thriving in life.  Something I've recently learned to apply is the need to be attentive to the situation, when abuse is not clearly eveident, question the action and it's intention prior to "assuming" ones motives, this will enable you to clarify the intentions and avoid unnecessary disputes.  Love yourself and others enough to hold and be held accountable for ones actions, be slow to judgment and never condemn.

 

Men and women, be responsible, love yourself unconditionally so that when you raise your hand or your voice to those who love you, you raise it in love, not in violence.  Help us win the battle against depression resulting in abuse!  If this message has been helpful to you or you think it might be helpful to someone you know, please forward it as a gift of love and support from all of us who care.

Thu, 10 May 2007