In 2004 when I returned to full-time ministry after a two-year stretch of pastoring, I had a series of dreams in which I was called "Apostle." I saw it printed on both covers of books and was called such by people in the dreams. In one in particular, someone spoke me the word, part of which was from Matthew 22: "Apostle, blessed of God, come for all things are now ready."

This came as quite a surprise to me as I had never, ever in my life fathomed I would ever be called Apostle. While I knew I was called of God in ministry, being an apostle wasn't something I ever considered as a possibility. Nobody I'd ever known had been an apostle before, and many regarded apostleship as something from a bygone first-century era. Yet when I received the revelation, I was very excited, but unsure of what to do about it. What did result was a great disappointment when those in my life tried to dissuade me from using the title. My world was rather small in those days and this was a huge revelation - but in and among my small world I was met with great disdain from those who didn't think I could live up to an apostolic call.

One voice succeeded at dissuading me - my then fiance who I later broke off the engagement with - was quite vocal in his opposition to my use of the term apostle. As one who had a tendency toward being rather mean, he told me outright in a rather annoyed tone, "People argue over whether or not Paul was an Apostle. They certainly are not going to accept you as one. It sounds like you are being full of yourself. Pick a different title." His approach was that it was fine if someone wanted to call me that as long as I didn't do it myself because if I used the term myself i was somehow being haughty. What I think scares me the most is that somehow at the time what he said made sense to me. After his response I did feel like I was being full of myself which in hindsight doesn't make sense (as I'd never thought to refer to myself in that way) but the result was the same. I put away the title of Apostle, fearing what people would think and how they would respond. I truly wanted the ministry to grow and didn't want to hurt its effectiveness with people thinking I was full of pride.

My answer was to call myself an Evangelist. There was just one problem: my gift wasn't really being an evangelist. I have always felt that the title didn't fit. Even though it wasn't really my calling and the years went by and my ex fiance was a distant memory of my life, I used "Evangelist" anyway with that same feeling of fear that using the title Apostle would somehow hurt my ministry. I'd been given the gift of Apostle, not as a title, but as a great gift and calling from God and did the work but was afraid to call the gift what it was.

I came to two realizations on the topic, both occuring a few years apart, but both very relevant nonetheless. The first was realizing people are going to think whatever they want to no matter what I do or don't do. If someone doesn't want to accept the Christian message (even if it's someone who thinks they are Christian) God brings through me or anyone else, they aren't going to accept it. People like this just pick something out about the messenger and use it as an excuse to ignore the message. These types will always be out there, and will always find something. It won't matter what I call myself, or what I do, or how well-planned something is because the problem in these cases isn't me. Excusers don't want to hear what God is saying and will go at any length to do so. These types, therefore, are not a reason to reject God's gift of being an apostle.

The second realization is that being an Apostle is a great gift. It's not being self-centered or prideful. Nobody would ever consider Peter, Paul, or the others as being full of pride because they received God's call on their lives and used a term to describe that gift. It's not boastful to use the gift God has given to us, not because it's a title, but because the gift of God is who we are in Him. I can call myself whatever I like and anyone else can call me whatever else they like, but I will always be an Apostle and that is what God has given me to be. I know that I need to reflect what God has given to me and who I am in Him. Now I use the term with great honor, knowing it is one God-given, which means man cannot take it away. As I begin to change the terminolgy I've used on many of our ministry products to what God has given rather than conforming to what people may think acceptable, I am so blessed to be called apostle by God.

Meeting the women on here, confident in their callings, and especially Apostle Yenan has shown me that being an Apostle isn't a haughty thing. it is one God-given, which means man cannot take it away. I am also so blessed by my husband, who is such a blessing and an edifier in this ministry. Every time he tells me, "I am so proud of you and all the progress you are making on the ministry," it makes me so glad that God has given me all He has in my life. It calls to mind the words in 1 Timothy 4:14: "Do not neglect your gift..." (NIV)

Be blessed,

Apostle Dr. Lee Ann B. Marino